In my last post, I discussed examples of boundaries in different types of relationships and why these are so important to maintain. Setting and holding boundaries can be difficult, though, particularly because others may have negative reactions to these—and even if they don’t, the fear that they MIGHT react negatively can be enough by itself to make us hesitant to assert our boundaries. In this post I’ll talk about ways that we can bring up our boundaries with others, and how we might handle their reactions.
Setting Boundaries With Our Words
Often, when we want to set a boundary, we’ll start by explaining it to someone verbally. Depending on the circumstances, this might be a detailed explanation, or it might be a brief, loud expression of a strong feeling—for instance, yelling “STOP IT!” at someone is technically setting a boundary. However, doing that isn’t providing the other person with much information, and the boundary itself isn’t as noticeable as the anger conveyed by the loud voice. A person hearing that is more likely to respond to the fact that the shouting person seems angry, than to the boundary that’s being set. For that reason, it can be useful to talk about a boundary in more detail once strong emotions have been given a chance to settle down. (That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell someone to stop if they’re doing something that makes you angry, but it’s good to be aware that doing this might only temporarily address the issue, since the other person doesn’t necessarily understand why you’ve set that boundary or what exactly you’re responding to, since they’re probably more focused on the fact that you seem angry.)
Once you feel settled enough to explain things clearly, describe exactly what you’re reacting to, why this bothers you (if that can easily be put into words), what you want the person not to do, and, if appropriate, what they might do instead. It could also be important to explain what will happen if they don’t respect that boundary, so that they aren’t surprised if you end up having to take that action. You might already be familiar with the concept of “I statements”; this is a way of talking about feelings that puts the focus on your feelings rather than the other person’s behaviour (for instance, instead of saying “You’re being mean”, saying “I feel hurt when you do that”). “I statements” might be useful when explaining a boundary because it helps explain how you feel and why you’re setting the boundary, rather than suggesting that the other person is in the wrong for what they’ve done.
It’s important to remember that explaining your reasons for setting a boundary isn’t the same as defending your position. As discussed in the previous post, setting a boundary is an assertion that your feelings are significant and valid, and deserve to be respected. If you treat your feelings as real and valid, they don’t need to be defended; the fact that you feel a certain way is justification in itself, and no further justification is required. That said, it may help the other person understand the boundary if you provide information about your reasons for feeling a particular way, which could make it easier for them to accept. At the same time, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your feelings, and your feelings are still valid even if you choose not to provide an explanation for them (or don’t fully understand the reasons for them yourself). If someone is asking for an explanation and you don’t want to provide one, that’s another opportunity to set a boundary, and let them know that this is something you’re choosing not to do at this time.
Setting Boundaries Through Our Actions
Boundaries don’t have to be set verbally; sometimes we set boundaries by our actions. For instance, if someone is uncomfortably close to us, we might move away from them, and possibly cross our arms or pick up an object, which can send nonverbal cues that we want more space. Putting on headphones and reading a book while on public transmit might also be a nonverbal way of setting a boundary, that we don’t want to engage in conversation. Setting boundaries this way requires less verbal engagement, which is more comfortable for some people, but it also conveys less information, which can make it harder for others to understand the boundary being set or the reasons behind it. Nonverbal cues are also interpreted differently by different people, and what seems like a clear boundary-setting action to one person might mean something different—or simply not be noticed—by someone else.
Setting boundaries through our actions is also important to do after a boundary has been set verbally. As much as possible, our actions should match the boundaries we set verbally; for instance, if a parent tells a child that they’re not going to buy the child candy, but then ends up buying the candy after the child asks over and over, the parent’s action is not consistent with the verbal boundary they set, which sends the message that the boundary doesn’t need to be respected. If we tell someone that we don’t want to talk to them anymore, but we answer the phone when they call or respond to their messages, then our actions aren’t matching our boundaries, and this makes it less likely that others will respect those boundaries, since we appear to violating them ourselves.
Once a boundary has been set, whether verbally or nonverbally, it’s essential that to follow that up with action if the boundary isn’t respected. Telling someone “don’t do that” potentially has little effect if the person continues doing that thing and we don’t take action. Remember, setting a boundary doesn’t automatically change a person’s behaviour; a boundary is, ultimately, a request for change, and if that request isn’t fulfilled, then it’s the responsibility of the person setting the boundary to make a change in response. Often, this change will involve changing how we engage with that person. This could be a relatively small change, such as telling someone that if they don’t stop getting drunk every time they go to dinner with you, you won’t go to dinner with them anymore; you might continue spending time with that person in other contexts, just not going to dinner. It could also be a much bigger change, including cutting off contact with that person altogether. It depends on what makes the most sense for you and your mental health, and whether it is possible to cut out the negative elements of the relationship and leave the rest, or whether the relationship itself has become negative overall.
Dealing With Defensiveness
When people react negatively to a boundary being set, it is often because they feel defensive. This defensiveness can be provoked by the feeling that setting a boundary implies they have done something wrong, and most people don’t like to feel like they’ve done something wrong, particularly when they thought what they were doing was just fine. This defensiveness can manifest in many different ways, including challenging the boundary or asking that an explanation be provided (as discussed above), pointing out times that the person setting the boundary acted in ways inconsistent with the boundary (sometimes known as “whataboutism”), explaining that it wasn’t their intent to do harm or give offense, or exaggerating the boundary to the point of absurdity (such as saying “if you don’t want me to make jokes like that, I guess I’m not allowed to make any jokes ever”).
Defensiveness might manifest as anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, or withdrawal (such as “shutting down” and not wanting to speak). However it manifests, it usually comes from the same place, which is that discomfort with the idea that they’re being accused of doing something wrong. Moving past this defensive reaction involves getting away from this idea of their behaviour being “wrong”, and instead focusing on the fact that their behaviour was having a negative effect on you. In a healthy relationship, people shouldn’t be deliberately harming one another, and once a person knows that something they’re doing is harming you in some way, having a healthy relationship with you means recognizing that fact and taking action to change it. That doesn’t require that anyone be “wrong”, it only requires that everyone have the same goal: having a healthy, positive relationship, and doing what it takes to keep the relationship healthy and positive. If everyone in the relationship is working towards that same goal, then respecting one another’s boundaries is a natural and reasonable way of achieving that goal.
Sometimes, when people react negatively to a boundary, it’s about more than defensiveness—it’s about them wanting to maintain control. In these cases, the relationship isn’t healthy or positive, because healthy, positive relationships don’t involve one person having control over another. People have all sorts of reasons for wanting to control others, but whatever their reasons, the bottom line is, you can’t control someone and have a healthy relationship with them. The person will have to choose: either give up control, respect boundaries, and work towards a healthy relationship, or let the relationship come to an end. In situations of this kind, there can be no negotiating or trying to “fix” things as long as the attempts to control continue. Until and unless they end entirely, the relationship can never be a positive one, which means it is better that it end even if ending it is painful.
Boundaries Can Bring People Together
Setting and holding boundaries are important skills, and like all skills they take practice to build. If you have people in your life that you trust and feel safe with, practice setting small boundaries by letting those people know how you feel about things, and what you would like or not like from them. Practice making it clear that these boundaries are being set because of your feelings, and not because the other person is in the wrong. Practice thinking about what you would do if that boundary wasn’t respected, and making that clear to the other person, and if necessary, practice taking that action. Remember the core idea from the previous post, which is that strong relationships will get stronger when boundaries are held, because setting a boundary means being honest and honesty is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. It can be intimidating to set boundaries, especially when we fear a negative reaction, but the more we do it, the better we get at it, and the better we get at navigating through those negative reactions and turning them into opportunities for building closer relationships with the people we care about.
If talking to others about your boundaries something you’d like support with, please reach out and get in touch. As always, thank you for reading.
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